Building Attraction

building attraction-header-imageBuilding Attraction

There is a lot of confusion and misinformation when it comes to building attraction with a woman.

There is also a lot of confusion as to exactly what is meant by building attraction; so let me start first with describing exactly what attraction is:

  • Attraction is the interest or desire to be around someone, to spend time with them and to learn more about them.
  • Attraction is a desire and a willingness to form a closer relationship with someone.

I guess it would also be appropriate to mention what attraction is not:

  • Attraction is not sexual arousal or sexual tension.
  • Attraction is not seduction.
  • Attraction is not a desire to get married or have a serious relationship.

The Psychology Of Attraction

Attraction is an emotional or psychological reaction to certain aspects of someone’s character and appearance or personality. People don’t decide to be attracted to someone else – it just happens. Did you sit down one day and weigh you options and decide to be attracted to women, or to a particular woman?

No, you didn’t and women don’t either.

Consequently, because attraction is not a logical process; you can influence it through feelings; you can do things that will build attraction by engaging emotions.

This is a primary concept of how to get laid.

A lot of guys think that you have to be built like a Greek god or be really good looking. Many guys also think that women are only attracted to guys who are rich or who at least give the appearance of being rich.
Now honestly; there are girls like that out there; but that is not the secret of building attraction. Mind you, I’m not going to say that being really good looking or being wealthy are not great things to have in your favor; but that’s not what most women are really looking for.

So here’s the good news:

  • You don’t have to be really good looking – or even a little good looking – for women to find you attractive.
  • You don’t have to be rich in order for women to find you attractive.

But here is what you do need to have in your favor:

  • You need to know how to talk to them
  • More importantly; you need to know how to listen, and
  • You have to know how to engage their feelings

Now before we get too far ahead of things I want to mention that building attraction in men is a little different from building attraction in women.

We (men) are in general more visually oriented whereas women are more emotionally oriented. All it takes for most building attraction-Meet-Local-Singles-Buttonof us to become attracted to a woman is for her to be a little (or a lot) good looking or dressed kind of sexy and we’ll fall all over ourselves trying to get her attention and have a chance to get something started.

We’re just wired that way and they are not.

That’s just for starters of course; other qualities become more important to us if we are looking for a longer term, serious relationship; but it’s typically the looks that grab our attention from the get go.

Building Attraction – The Techniques

Now if you are going to try to entice a woman into a relationship either for a single night or for longer; the first thing you are going to have to do is approach her. Some guys have a problem with that; they get worried about rejection and they let that hinder them. Look at it like this – nothing ventured leads to nothing gained. You will only feel the sting of rejection for as long as it takes you to approach another woman. So with that out of the way; just walk up to a girl that you find attractive and try to start a conversation; but you need to keep these things in mind and do it like this:

  • Approach her with confidence, a steady stride, your shoulders back and your eyes fixed on hers.
  • Smile as you approach – that does a lot to put her at ease and set the tone. She’s less likely to think that you are some kind of weird creep when you flash a smile.
  • Take notice of how she acts as you approach – does she hold your gaze or look away?

If she holds your gaze she is going to meet you as an equal and you are going to be put through a test or two if she even gives you the time of day. If she looks away and keeps looking away; that’s a pretty strong signal that she is going to be hard to get close to. She’s broadcasting a big lack of interest by doing that. If she meets your gaze, looks away and then looks back toward you; she may just be interested or intrigued and want to hear what you have to say.

One thing that a lot of guys do at this point is start acting too eager to please. “Oh my God; she’s talking to me!”; is kind of what you are saying to her if you do that; so don’t do it.
Be interested but not overly so or she is going to think that you just don’t get too many opportunities with women – more about that in a moment.

A lot of guys at this point get a little side tracked and try to start creating sexual arousal or sexual attraction instead of just focusing on building attraction on a basic level. The sexual tension and arousal will come later – right now you need to focus on just making her enjoy meeting you and talking to you.

The easiest way to do that is to get her to talk about herself and the things that interest her. If she’s wearing any kind of jewelry, compliment her on it; ask her where she got it. Ask her about her hobbies; what she likes to do; things like that.

The more you get her to open up and talk about herself – the more you listen – the more comfortable she is going to become talking to you; and that is a primary means of creating and building attraction.

But remember this – you cannot give the appearance of being too eager for her attention – you want her to be vying for your attention too.

Amplifying Attraction

It’s a funny thing about people – we might see something or be offered something and really not have the slightest interest in it at all – until we think that somebody else wants it and that we are about to lose a chance to have it.
When it’s there for the taking it doesn’t have much perceived value to us; when we think it’s about to be gone we try to grab it with both hands.

You can use that fact of human nature to your advantage right about now just by giving the impression that you feel like your options are wide open. As you talk – and listen – let your gaze wander around the room just a little. Make quick glances at the other women in the room. You have to do it in a pretty subtle fashion to keep it from putting her off; but trust me; she is going to see it and she is going to interpret it as meaning that she might just lose you to someone else.

building attraction-Meet-Local-Singles-Purple-CTAOnce she is feeling that – human nature is going to take over.

Another thing that some guys get wrong is that the whole time they are talking to a new woman they are broadcasting a sense of needing or wanting something. I call that “being needy”. The fact of the matter is that you do want something – usually sex or a relationship – but you have to carry on the conversation like it’s a pleasant diversion and that if it ends right now you are just fine with that. Again; there is a thin line between keeping her interested in keeping you engaged; and putting her off by making her think that you are not interested enough. Just keep in mind that if she starts to feel like you are only in the conversation because you want something; it will be over pretty quickly unless she just happens to want that same thing too.

Like I mentioned earlier, women will usually test a guy to see if he is someone they want to get a little closer to.
If early in the conversation she says something off hand or a little snide like, “Those shoes are ugly; why are you wearing them?”; then you are being subjected to the Congruence Test. She wants to gauge your reaction and see how you respond. Laugh it off or say something to put it back on her, “I wear them so that I can gauge if a woman has good taste or not”, is something you might respond with.

If she suggests that you buy her a drink; then you are being given the Compliance Test. If she asks for it and you just buy her one; you flunk. She’s in control of the relationship from that point forward. It is much better to say something like, “Sure – I’d love to buy you a drink. Give me your best Sponge Bob impersonation and I’ll do it.” That puts it back on her – she is asking for something and you will give it to her – as soon as she gives you something in return.

If you manage those “tests” properly, you will have your chance to do the things that will create a feeling of attraction.

I think it would also be appropriate here to at least mention another aspect of male\female interaction and dating – gender roles.

Modern society is far different than that of our parents and grandparents. The “push” for greater equality between the sexes extends from the home to the workplace and everywhere in between. Guess what? The traditional roles between men and women when it comes to dating are still largely unchanged and a lot of people just want it that way. The man is still expected to take the lead in establishing a relationship as well as setting a tone as to how serious or how casual it might become. That is not to say that the women don’t have an equal say or the ultimate control in those matters; just that guys are still expected (in most instances) to take the lead. The guy asks for a date, the guy typically pays for the date and the guy “makes the first move” toward establishing a physical relationship.

Here’s are some interesting facts about all of that – gender roles in modern dating.

I want to return now for just a moment to where we started from and mention another odd fact about human nature concerning physical attractiveness. Once you “get your foot in the door” and start the process of building attraction; even the qualities that might make you “unattractive” – a big nose, being short or overweight or bald – will become to her attractive qualities. Just as we want things more if we think we might lose them; physical attributes that might usually be considered unappealing will become associated with the attraction that she is starting to feel. They will become “cute” or “sexy” – they will become part of what she finds attractive in you.

Attraction Accomplished

Before I wind this up with a point by point list about building attraction I want to mention a few things that are proven attraction killers so that you will know to avoid them:

Failing to maintain eye contact
Appearing to “want something” (like sex)
Talking too much and not listening enough
Talking about negative or risky things like sex or former girlfriends
Seeming too eager to please or fawning over her

And just by doing the opposite of those things, you will set the stage for creating increased attraction:

Maintain steady eye contact
Listen more and talk less
Don’t appear “needy” as if you want something
Be present in the moment – enjoy the conversation as it unfolds without concern for where it goes
Connect emotionally and build rapport

Building attraction is as much a process of avoiding the negative as it is a process of accenting the positive.

Naturally, this whole interaction might have a goal even though we try to push that to the back burner.
The level of attraction that you want to build might just be to find a friend, to create a casual dating relationship or to find a serious, long term partner.

Trying to build attraction might just be laying the necessary ground work and opening the door to creating sexual tension or sexual arousal – seduction – that will lead to an intimate relationship or encounter.

Regardless of what your intent might be – you can learn a lot more by reading here.

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