Building Attraction

building attraction header imageBuilding Attraction

There is a lot of confusion and misinformation when it comes to building attraction with women.

The meaning of attraction is confusing too; so let me start first with describing exactly what attraction is:

  • Attraction is the desire to be around someone, to spend time with them and to learn more about them.
  • Attraction is a wish and a willingness to form a closer relationship with someone.
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I guess it would also be appropriate to mention what attraction is not:

  • Attraction is not sexual arousal or sexual tension.
  • It is not seduction.
  • Attraction is not a desire to get married or have a serious relationship.

The Psychology Of Attraction

Attraction is an emotional or a psychological reaction to certain aspects of someone’s character and appearance or personality. People don’t decide to be attracted to someone else. That just happens. You did not decide to be attracted to women.

Nobody has and women don’t either.

Consequently, because attraction is not a logical process; you can influence it by invoking feelings. You can do things that will build attraction by engaging emotions.

This is a primary concept in seduction.

Perceptions vs Reality

A lot of guys think this:
That you have to be built like a Greek god or be really good looking. Many guys also think that women are only attracted to guys who are rich or who at least give the appearance of being rich.
Now hobuilding attraction sidebar imagenestly; there are girls like that out there; but that is not the secret of building attraction. Mind you, I’m not going to say that being really good looking or being wealthy are not great things to have in your favor; but that’s not what attracts most women.

So here’s the good news:

  • You don’t have to be really good looking – or even a little good looking – for women to find you attractive.
  • You don’t have to be rich in order for women to find you attractive.

But here is what you do need to have in your favor:

  • You need to know how to talk to them
  • More importantly; you need to know how to listen, and
  • You have to know how to engage their feelings

Now before we get too far ahead of things I want to mention that building attraction in men is a little different from building attraction in women.

Nature made men more visually oriented.
Women are more emotionally oriented.

We become attracted to a woman if she is a little (or a lot) good looking or dressed kind of sexy. We will  fall all over ourselves to get her attention and have a chance to get something started.

We’re just wired that way and they are not.

That’s just for starters of course; other qualities become more important to us if we are looking for a longer term, serious relationship; but it’s typically the looks that grab our attention from the get go.

Elements of Attraction

Now if you are going to try to entice a woman into a relationship either for a single night or for longer; the first thing you are going to have to do is approach her. Some guys have a problem with that. They worry about rejection. That worry will hinder them. Look at it like this – nothing ventured leads to nothing gained. You will only feel the sting of rejection for as long as it takes you to approach another woman. So with that out of the way; just walk up to a girl that you find attractive and try to start a conversation; but you need to keep these things in mind and do it like this:

  • Approach her with confidence, a steady stride, your shoulders back and your eyes fixed on hers.
  • Smile as you approach – that does a lot to put her at ease and set the tone. She’s less likely to think that you are some kind of weird creep when you flash a smile.
  • Take notice of how she acts as you approach – does she hold your gaze or look away?

Reading The Signals

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If she holds your gaze she is going to meet you as an equal and you are going to be put through a test or two if she even gives you the time of day. If she looks away and keeps looking away; that’s a pretty strong signal that she is going to be hard to get close to. She’s broadcasting a big lack of interest by doing that. If she meets your gaze, looks away and then looks back toward you; she demonstrates that she may be interested or intrigued and wants to hear what you have to say.

One thing that a lot of guys do at this point is start acting too eager to please. “Oh my God; she’s talking to me!”; is kind of what you are saying to her if you do that; so don’t do it.
You want to appear interested, but not overly so. She is will think that you just don’t get too many opportunities with women otherwise.

Instant Attraction?

A lot of guys at this point get a little side tracked and try to start creating sexual arousal or sexual attraction instead of just focusing on building attraction on a basic level. The sexual tension and arousal will come later – right now you need to focus on just making her enjoy meeting you and talking to you.

The easiest way to do that is to get her to talk about herself and the things that interest her. If she’s wearing any kind of jewelry, compliment her on it; ask her where she got it. Ask her about her hobbies; what she likes to do; things like that.

The more you get her to open up and talk about herself – the more you listen – the more comfortable she is going to become talking to you; and that is a primary means of creating and building attraction.

But remember this – you cannot give the appearance of being too eager for her attention – you want her to be vying for your attention too.

Amplifying Attraction

We might see something or be offered something and really not have the slightest interest in it. But if we think that somebody else wants it, we adopt a different perspective. Then, we fear losing it. Consequently, we grab it with both hands. If it’s there for the taking then it doesn’t have much perceived value to us.

You can use that fact of human nature to your advantage just by giving the impression that you feel like your options are wide open. As you talk – and listen – let your gaze wander around the room just a little. Make quick glances at the other women in the room. You have to do it in a pretty subtle fashion to keep it from putting her off; but trust me; she is going to see it and she is going to interpret it as meaning that she might just lose you to someone else.

Once she is feeling that – human nature is going to take over.

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“Needy” Is Not Attractive

Another thing that some guys get wrong is that the whole time they are talking to a new woman they are broadcasting a sense of needing or wanting something. I call that “being needy”. The fact of the matter is that you do want something – sex or a relationship. But you have to carry on the conversation like it’s a pleasant diversion and that if it ends right now you are just fine with that. Again; there is a thin line between keeping her interested in you; and putting her off. However, keep in mind that if she starts to feel like you are only in the conversation because you want something; it will be over pretty quickly. Unless of course, she just happens to want that same thing too.

Like I mentioned earlier, women will usually test a guy to see if he is someone they want to get a little closer to.
Therefore, if early in the conversation she says something off hand or a little snide like, “Those shoes are ugly; why are you wearing them?”; then you are being subjected to the Congruence Test. She wants to gauge your reaction and see how you respond. Laugh it off or say something to put it back on her, “I wear them so that I can see if a woman has good taste or not”, is something you might respond with.

Building Attraction Takes Confidence

If she suggests that you buy her a drink; then you are being given the Compliance Test. If she asks for it and you just buy her one; you flunk because you have handed her control over the interaction. She is then in charge of the budding relationship at that point. It is much better to say something like, “Sure – I’d love to buy you a drink – give me your best Sponge Bob impersonation and I’ll do it.” That puts it back on her. She is asking for something and you will give it to her – but only as soon as she gives you something in return.

If you manage those “tests” properly, you will have your chance to do the things that will create a feeling of attraction.

I think it would also be appropriate here to at least mention another aspect of male\female interaction and dating – gender roles in relationships.

However, modern society is far different than that of our parents and grandparents. The “push” for greater equality between the sexes extends from the home to the workplace and everywhere in between.

Some Things Don’t Change

Guess what?
In dating and building attraction, the traditional roles are unchanged.

Nature wired us that way.
The man takes the lead in establishing a relationship. He sets the tone as to how serious or how casual it might become.

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That is not to say that the women don’t have an equal say or the ultimate control in those matters, because they do. But guys still take the lead in most instances. The guy asks for a date. He pays for the date. The guy “makes the first move” toward establishing a physical relationship.

Usually.

Here’s are some interesting facts about all of that:

I want to return now for just a moment to where we started from and mention another odd fact about human nature concerning physical attractiveness. Once you “get your foot in the door” and start the process of building attraction; something odd will happen. Even the qualities that might make you “unattractive” – a big nose, being short or overweight or bald – will become attractive qualities to her. They will become “cute” or “sexy” to her. They will become part of what she finds attractive in you.

Building Attraction – Accomplished

I will wind this up with a point by point list about building attraction. Let’s discuss a few proven attraction killers first though.

You can avoid them then:

  • Failing to maintain eye contact
  • Appearing to “want something” (like sex)
  • Talking too much and not listening enough
  • Talking about negative or risky things like sex or former girlfriends
  • Seeming too eager to please or fawning over her

And just by doing the opposite of those things, you will set the stage for creating increased attraction:

  • Maintain steady eye contact
  • Listen more and talk less
  • Don’t appear “needy” as if you want something
  • Be present in the moment – enjoy the conversation as it unfolds without concern for where it goes
  • Connect emotionally and build rapport

Building attraction is as much a process of avoiding the negative as it is of accenting the positive.

Naturally, this whole interaction might have a goal even though we try to push that to the back burner.
The level of attraction that you want to build might just be to find a friend. It might be to create a casual dating relationship; or to find a serious, long term partner.

Building attraction and creating rapport will lay the necessary ground work and open the door to an intimate relationship or encounter.

Regardless of what your intent might be – you can learn a lot more by checking this out.

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